Do you feel sad, feel unlovable and invisible sometimes? Even on facebook, the Promised Land, where you were told you could start over and build a new life; breaking loose from those terrible names you’ve had to live with? Are you a local wannabe? Do you aspire to be cool?
Well today’s your lucky day. Behold, a thorough guide on how to become more noticeable on Facebook.
First and most important step is to become friends with cool people. This may be hard at first, because most cool people won’t accept your request just like that. Why? Well…mostly coz you’re local. But don’t despair; there is a way around this. You can start by liking their fan page or subscribing to their public posts.
You need to get ideas from these people and also, a single like on your status update from Mildred Apenyo (which doesn’t come easily) could weigh as heavy as 16 likes from your fellow local friends. If you accidentally write something that James Onen finds worth sharing, you’ll receive 20 unexpected friendship requests that day. People will think you are someone, so they will check your profile out.
Now when people come to check your profile out, don’t let them find you being fake. Pimp that shit up. Lose that profile picture you took with your Tecno phone. If you went to funny schools, pick the fairest of them. That excludes the likes of Kitende and Naalya.
Watch what you say in your “about me”. Don’t start talking about “I come from a family of 7…” you’re not looking for sponsors here. Find a nice quote – not from your head, you’re not there yet – off Google, preferably something confusing. You are trying to appear to be smart; confusion here tends to pass for smartness.
Take your status updates seriously because they will determine your status. Stop updating every 5 minutes. Nobody knows you. Follow the golden rule of: “If you have nothing to post, don’t post”. But if you’re really dying of horn for the post button, at least nab a quote from wrongcards.com. You’ll get ko a couple of likes.
Alternatively, you could post lyrics from metrolyrics.com. The more unconventional the song is, the better. There will be one or two ‘eccentric’ people who know it and they’ll be inclined to believe you got it off head and you are one of them. This is how you start getting noticed.
You have to watch what goes onto your wall, so go change your privacy settings now now so that you can approve all photos you’re tagged in before they show or else embarrassing evidence of your past localness will stain your present coolness. Do the same for your local girlfriend otherwise she may bring her kanankani love to your wall to try and assert her dibs on you.
Always remember that wrong is cool and modesty is whack. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t write the rules. Don’t be afraid to use expletives; instead of saying absolutely say absofuckinlutely. Words like this score you a few points in the books of cool.
Finally, either get or fake a goddamn life. A night life at that. Even if you’re in your sticky room watching movies on Frio night, just update your location and tie on Iguana.
Good luck my local friend.