The Elegant Ruminator’s Guide.

I love eating. We all do, not just because we are hungry, but mostly for the scrumptious taste of that chicken sandwich or bacon pizza in your mouth. Unfortunately, you can never have enough of these delicacies; you may not afford to. Not unless your body is gifted with the special ability to induce simultaneous compression and relaxation with increased intra-abdominal pressure so as to distend morsels of that pizza for a remix at no extra cost.


Now I know that after categorizing animals as ruminant/non-ruminant, your science class teacher forgot to mention that certain humans are gifted with the special ability to recycle food. Yes! And I’m not talking about vomiting, belching, burping, or other stomach and esophigal chaos.


This recycling neither causes nausea, heartburn or bouts of vomiting.


I’m talking about rumination; or in medical terms, merycism. The spontaneous and effortless regurgitation of tidbits of chicken, pork, fish steaks or whatever delicacy that journeys through a ruminator’s alimentary canal. [click here for a wikipedia explanation]


Okay before we proceed, please discard that look of disdain on your face because it does not look good on you. It’s because of people like you that people like us conceal our gifts. [Yes, gift. I know I’ll always be gnawing when you’re yawning and that’s why you’re jealous.] Most people I share my secret with give me a “what the freak”, just like the one I sense you throwing off. As if I’m some sort of mutant from outer space that throws up in his mouth and then gobbles his puke…


But ignoring you and moving on.


This is for my fellow ruminators; those that haven’t learnt how to survive in this cruel world where SPECIAL is labeled DISORDER. I have a few tricks under my belt that I believe will be helpful to you.


1. Have mints on your person at all times. You see that babe; the one you’re trying to hit on in a bus by asking what the time is after deliberately taking off your watch; breathing at her with the odor of the boiled eggs you had for breakfast and remixed fifteen minutes after brushing will jeopardize your mission.


2. Always carry mints. If you can’t afford those, go for the more local/juvenile option; chewing gum. So that you can have something to be generous with when your workmate randomly begs for some of what you’re chewing. That way, she won’t suspect that in your mouth is a rerun of your lunch.


3. If you have a meeting after lunch, you may want to eat a little less than usual; if not after the meeting. A taut stomach plus all the water you’re going to consume to “look professional” is a recipe for an eruption. Remember you should be ruminating on the subject of that meeting, not the beans you had for lunch.


4. If you have a fling in the next few hours, choose what to eat carefully. Spewing sausage bolus in another person’s mouth mid-kiss is quite a turn off.


5. Learn all the scientific explanations there are about merycism. You should be equipped with the knowledge so that you can, in a smart and informed manner, educate that roommate who finds out about your secret. Otherwise the idiot will call you a four stomached curd chewing cow and you won’t be in any position to educate the ignoramus who just insulted you.

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