How to Negotiate a Salary Raise

Employee: Sir, as you should have noticed the six moths probation period ended thirty one days ago. But either I’ve got the wrong bank statement, or we are receiving this month’s salary in installments.

Employer: What does your bank statement read?

Employee: *squints at a creased paper* well… it reads here that “same old peanut morsels”

Employer: Then peanut morsels you eat.

Employee: See that’s where the problem is, I’ve been treated like a rodent for way too long.

Employer: Perhaps you should have looked at your employment contract before barging into my office flapping about like a headless chicken.

Employee: Sure, I did take the trouble, and boy have I been preparing for this moment. In fact, if I were to proceed as rehearsed in my head, your tie would be clenched in my fist as we speak.

Employer: I must say you have quite a pair down there, but well *pretends to still be busy with whoever-cares-what on his Ipad* if you had done your homework, you would have come across a section that reads “upon satisfactory completion of your probation, the employers MAY from…

Employee: …time to time at their discretion increase your salary.” Section 5.2;

But I have been reliably informed that my employers are rather reluctant to exercise their discretion and I’m not crouching under this table like a squirrel for another month in anticipation for a few crumbs to fall off this table.

Employer: Excuse me *slides his toy away*, can you not slam my Honduran mahogany table, and for fuck’s sake sit your ass down.

Employee: I’m sorry Sir, but I just need a salary raise. I’m not asking for an extra zero on my pay cheque, but with the money that flows in this firm, doubling my salary won’t exactly set the on a plummeting course.

Employer: *giggles* did you just ask me to double your salary?

Employee: You heard me right sir, don’t you think I’m worth it?

Employer: Are you nuts? Do you really think I can double your salary just because you’ve made here six months? You haven’t done shit but eat my food and use my Internet for unofficial work.

Employee: Well….guess who else wants me to eat their food and cyberloaf with their Internet? *slides a brown envelope across the table* Go on, open it!

Employer: No you wouldn’t,

Employee: And why is that? Oh wait, the most active associate is taking her maternity leave next month and Sera is following her the month after? Ouch! not the time to lose an employee you’ve trained and fed for the last six months, huh?

Employer: You know these guys would never pay you this much money right?

Employee: Well, I guess that’s my risk to take. Speaking of risks, is that NSSF whistle blowing thing still going on? Last I heard they were dishing out 100 bob for you-know-what.

Employer: Okey..okey, you have your double

Employee: Can I have that in writing please?

Employer: Gaddamnit I’ll have the secretary do the paperwork, but you are so going to earn that raise through your nose.

Employee:You can count on that sir, *offers a handshake*

Employer: Just get the hell of my office already.

Employee: *Grabs his envelope, closes the door behind him and sighs* “That was close, the things we can do with printers!”

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