Humble bragging is the art of disguising a brag in a faux-humble wrapping that allows the braggart to sing about their “achievements” behind the mask of false humility with little or no shame. So as the title of this piece suggests, I want to offer a few tips on how to make other people jealous in style.
“Woe is me” repartee
Let’s say against all odds, you find yourself beyond the borders of Uganda and this is a milestone so big that the world needs to know about it. You have tried to give subtle hints like checking in via facebook right after touching down at Dubai International Airport but for some reason you’re not receiving the anticipated veneration. Even after posting selfies with bazungu in the background, people just do not seem to care. The problem here is that you are going about it the wrong way, a brag needs to be direct but works best if you undercut it with a bit of “woe is me” luster. So Instead of the above, try something like;
“Turn on the hot tap water; you get hot water. Turn on the cold tap water; you still get hot water. #DubaiProblems
Testify of your God’s goodness
Express your gratitude to your God for the things He has done for you. It is important that you write the update in second person, like God himself is going to read it. It also helps if you daub it with a dash of emotions, that way it comes off less narcissistic. For a more perfect con, you may want to start by quoting a scripture, perhaps something like;
“What a faithful God I serve, you promised in Deuteronomy 31:6 that you would never leave me nor forsake me and you have kept true to your word. Who am I to get this greatly coveted promotion with all these inviting benefits…” Then go ahead and spout whatever you wanted to brag about.
The point here is to prey on people’s piety and emotions. Obviously there are people who are going to see you for the self conceited bastard that you truly are, but I can assure you the majority of people on facebook will buy that shit and smooch your ego with likes and the “eh maama” like comments you’re soliciting.
The Out-Of-Nowhere Oscar acceptance speech
Unlike the previous one, here you are addressing your friends directly for the prayers and support that supposedly helped you climb to that pedestal. Remember, the point here is not exactly to thank anyone but to make a public announcement that you’ve finally aced that retake that has been holding you back from graduating. For example;
“I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who stood by a brother during these hard times of unemployment, #URAhereIcome”
Written for my Sunday Monitor Collumn