The Boda-boda Code of Conduct

Boda-bodas are supposed to be the most convenient means of transport in our muddled town, but what if by some ill fate you find yourself with the most uncouth cyclist?

I remember this like it was yesterday, mostly because it was yesterday. I left work late after a long day; so weary to sit through that irking Bwaise jam, so predictably, a boda was my preferred means of transport home. Now, I know this is a perfectly natural activity, everyone including “the boss lady” partakes of it; but it is inexcusable to relax your sphincter muscles for relief ten inches away from an unsuspecting nose without fair warning. Well… between siblings and couples it may pass off a jest; but your boda guy? A big HELL to the NO! I said to myself “What exactly is this guy thinking? Does he think he is going too fast for me to smell that?” Perhaps he should have considered beeping his heinie horn in stealth mode so I don’t feel the vibrations and icky warmth radiating into my nether lands; his shit-flavored air ascending to tickle my unwary nostrils.

But that is just one of the many vices flourishing in boda men. Look, I’m not saying all boda men fart for their passengers; some of them are actually very decent people. But there are those despicable goons that have no morals whatsoever. It is to these goons that this code of conduct is addressed, a short list of don’ts that KCCA should pin on all boda-boda stages around town.

Don’t spit fwaa…, these are thing that your mother should have told you while growing up. It is uncouth to spit in another person’s presence; worse still when your spittle is going to be sprinkled on your passenger’s face by the winds.

Socialize a little less. Sometimes people are just too tired to engage in a Bobi Wine Vs Bebe Cool argument. Plus, people normally use bodas because they’re in hurry. Trust me; by the time a person gets out of a taxi to hop on a boda to work then a recap of agataliko nfuufu would least likely be a priority on their agenda. Just try to concentrate on your job as they also try to concentrate on cooking up a reason for being late.

Have some respect. If I take a boda from town to Kamwokya, where do you get the idea that you can stop in wandegeya to mount some grimy guy behind me? While you may be used to this, there are people who find the whole idea of another guy snuggling his groin against their ass really yucky.

Drop the molestation gimmicks. Some boda men have a tendency to pull sneaky feats on our girlfriends and little sisters. Most common of these is to break suddenly or purposely ram a pothole so the scared poor girl can clutch around the slimy bastard as her boobies play squash on his back.

Never consider air brushing your pants when you have a passenger clinching onto your back, not even furtively. If you have weak anal muscles and you really can’t hold it till your destination; then pull over gently, politely ask the passenger to get off, pretend to be doing that petro-sucking-thing you do when you run out of fuel, and use this opportunity to quietly ease yourself.